I know what your thinking. How can something looking this appetizing not sell well?

The internet was alive with the sound of pork product being pressed into the shape of ribs this past month as McDonald’s announced the triumphant return of the McRib for a limited time. There’s a lot that can be said about the McRib, like how it contains over 70 ingredients or how it became popular thanks to The Flinstones, but what about all the other past McDonald’s products that have passed? Don’t they deserve a chance to return? Here’s a look at couple of products that could be next to start lines to rival those of the next iThing.

1) The Hulaburger

If Ray Kroc, the man responsible for turning a small burger joint owned by two brothers in California into the leading cause of obesity amongst poor people, had his way the Hulaburger would be on every McDonald’s menu across the country and the Filet-O-Fish would never have crawled up from the sea.

In the 60s Ray Kroc was making millions, but that wasn’t enough. Catholics didn’t eat meat on Fridays and would have to visit other cruddy restaurants like Long John Silvers or even stay at home and eat something healthy.  The solution? Kroc wanted to grill a slice of pineapple and put in on a bun.  He called it the Hulaburger.  Lucky for McDonald’s corporation/Ray Kroc/People with taste buds local franchise owner Lou Groen realized this was a horrible idea and recommended the Filet-O-Fish instead.

Kroc challenged Groen to a contest to see wich item would sell the most. Obviously the Fish won and the Hulaburger went extinct.

2) Arch Deluxe

It’s funny how despite being number one in their field, companies still tend to panic and make drastic changes. Like how Coke completely changed their formular in the 80s after being scared enough by Pepsi’s taste tests despite being number one in the cola market for about a hundred years straight. Or, how Netflix decided to jack their prices up 60% than split their business into two confusing and enraging all their customers to a point where they lost massive amounts of subscriptions. Luckily McDonald’s brash decisions was nothing quite as destructive, although it did cost them 300 million dollars in wasted advertising and research money.

In the mid 90s McDonald’s felt it was getting pigeon holed as a place for kids. Their mascot was a clown and their best known product was the Happy Meal. Fearing losing out on Adult customers, the ones who have the money, they introduced the Arch Deluxe. The Arch Deluxe had spices and a sauce made of mayonaise and ketchup… you know, the things adults love.

But the biggest factor in the Arch Deluxe’s demise may have been the marketing. The advertisements featured kids professing how much they hated the sandwich, even calling it “yucky”. As I’m sure you know the best way to advertise anything is to have people talk about how they don’t like it. And even better, have the demographic that you believe is the biggest part of your customer base bash it.

Don’t feel to bad about McDonald’s losing the 300 million though. I’m sure they just sold another billion burgers and made up for it.

3) McPizza

Now that both 7-Eleven and Subway is selling Pizza it is not surprising that the world’s largest fast food restaurant also tried to do so.

The McPizza was sold at apparently 500 locations before  they gave up. But if you really want to try a slice there is still one location in Orlando, Florida that sells this abomination. So next time you are in Orlando forget Disney or Universal and make sure you check out this real attraction.

4) Everything else

There have been a ton of other failed/discontinued McDonald products ranging from hot dogs to Michael Jordon burgers to the McSoup. Who knows they will fail with next? Only time can tell. I’m hoping for the McFried Twinkie myself.

Hot dogs, $69 hot dogs... what kind of kids like $69 hot dogs? Rich kids, spoiled kids, even kids with credit cards!

If you had just been to Yankee Stadium, $69 for a hot dog might sound like a bargain. But this overpriced meat stool is not sold in the sport arena of the evil empire but rather in the heart of manhattan. Anyone who has ever visited New York City or watched the pilot of 30 Rock knows there’s a guy every couple of feet on the streets selling the mystery meat wonders for just a buck or two. So why is one Upper East Side resturaunt charge almost $70 for one?

First of all, this hot dog is no cocktail weenie when it comes to length, as it measures a foot long. Of course, just having a couple of extra inches of mechanically separated animal isn’t enough to justify the incredible price tag. For that you need to add duck foie gras, caramelized vidalia onions, heirloom tomato ketchup and of course mustard. The hot dog is grilled white truffle onion and served on a pretzel roll toasted in white truffle butter.

Now that your mouth is watering I’m sure you can’t wait to purchase this hot dog instead of the same priced Zelda: Skyward Sword with remote bundle you were saving for. You can find it at Serendipty 3, a small doll house eatery most known for their frozen hot chocolate.

If after your $69 beef log you are in the mood for dessert, don’t worry, Serendipty also offers an ice cream sundae for $1000, I kid you not.

This is basically just a slideshow I made with iMovie to go along with a They Might Be Giants song. But it’s still entertaining and the song is still great.

This had been published to cheesegod.com at one point, but seems to have been lost to the ages.

"One more thing... I also got this heath care plan that could stop pancreatic cancer"

In an attempt to feed on the outpouring love and respect for Steve Jobs since his death, President Obama has decided to start pushing the Job’s plan.

The 450 billion dollar plan was conceived by Steve Jobs sometime before his passing. It was found on his personal iPad in a secret folder named “Personal”. The folder contained numerous pictures of $175 turtlenecks, an application to go on one of those “You Are Not The Father” Maurey shows, the design for the iPhone 4S2, a self portrait of Mr. Jobs riding a missile into the Google campus using SketchBook Pro and finally the Pages document labeled “Job’s plan.”

“The plan would create numerous jobs by building additional Apple Stores across the country,” Obama told a number of over excited tech journalists at his Keynote presentation, “This would create construction jobs to build the stores, jobs for Geniuses to work the genius bar, jobs for window cleaners to clean all that damn glass and most importantly give hipsters a place to go to keep them off our streets.”

In all the Job’s plan is estimated to create about 2 million jobs, although about half would be in China to make the new iPad 2S.

“It’s okay that those jobs will wind up in China,” Obama told the Keynote crowd while occasionally holding up an iPhone to get cheap applause, “Eventually Apple’s poor working conditions will lead to all their workers will commit suicide and we won’t have to worry about China as a global competitor anymore.”

The plan would be paid for with a 100% tax on billionaires that founded Microsoft and an additional sales tax on all phones that promote robots that look like men.

At this point it is uncertain if the Job’s plan could pass congress. While the number of elected officials with iPhones outnumber those with Blackberries and Android based phones, they do not make up the super majority.

Protesting everything from the sell out of the new Justin Bieber singing toothbrush to the price of bananas the occupier’s motives are being questioned by news pundits.

“I don’t know hat they are jabbering about,” Bill O’Reily said after a segment about the war on Talk Like a Pirate Day, “I just want to be able to buy my bottle of Sam’s Cola in peace.”

Meanwhile controversy erupted when Walmart asked for the garden section be cleared out so they could clean it. However protesters saw right through Walmart’s lie, since it is well known that Walmart never cleans any part of their stores.

It’s not all bad for business though, Walmart has reported a 133% increase in sales of Great Value brand Tofu.

An impromptu march down the roads to Sak’s Fifth Avenue was unsuccessful due the retailer’s no shirt no shoe policy.

Police have yet to intervene, but are keeping a close eye on the situation from the bakery section.

Here for your enjoyment or disappointment, but not your basement, are the five comics:

Man, so many of these people are dead now… Saddam Hussein, Steve Jobs, Coloneal Sanders and of course Crazy Bob… so sad.

The following was originally posted September 9, 2005:

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This may be from over 6 years ago, but many people are saying this a problem with the iPhone 4s. It doesn’t look any different than the iPhone 4, how will anyone know who’s cooler. I wonder if Steve Jobs was the CEO at the time if he would of let this happen. They could have at least introduced a different color or finish.

While most of us don’t really know Steve Jobs personally or otherwise there is no doubt he has impacted all of our lives. iTunes completely reformed the music industry after Napster killed it. The iPod changed the way we listen to music (although with low bitrate encoded mp3s/aac files the norm I might argue for the worse). iPhones changed the way we access information. Even if you don’t an iPhone, whatever phone you do own is most likely either trying to emulate what the iPhone does or beat it.

Steve Jobs could very well had the biggest impact on the lives of this generation more than any other person.

Plus he helped create Pixar, so without him we wouldn’t have Wall-E, think about that.

The following was originally posted December 8, 2004:

The world’s oldest iPod has died at the age of 2. It’s owner, George Flippant, 12 of Newark, New Jersey, hobbies include fishing and fragging, his favorite Backstreet boy is the one with the hair, was deeply saddened by the unfortunate turn of events.

The iPod more than outlived it’s life expectancy of 366 days (1 day longer than the included warranty) by a full year. Many marveled at the ancient technology of the iPod with it’s old school tech wheel and all.

“The wheel in the click wheel actually turned instead of staying stationary. It’s so 2002,” Flippant’s 8 year old neighbor Alexander Beef told us when we were able to distract him from his new triple screen GameBoy.

The elder iPod’s life ended abruptly when it was dropped on Flippant’s kitchen floor.

“It all happened so fast,” Flippant told us, telling us the events of the iPod’s demise, “One minute I was dancing to the new Eminem song with the iPod in my hand. I was pretending to be one of those silhouette people like in the commercials. Then the next minute the iPod has flown out of my hand and is crashing into a million pieces after hitting the floor.”

Most iPods die of bad batteries, hard drive failure, or depression of a crappy music library. Not everyone believes Flippant’s story.

“He just broke it cause he wanted a new one for christmas,” George Flippant’s sister Georgia told us, “He’s always doing stuff like that. He always get’s it too. Like that time he broke his arm and Mom took him out of school for two days. He was so faking it.”

The police will not say if they’re willing to rule out foul play yet.

“What the hell do I care what happened to some kid’s walkman,” Tony Putz, chief of police, told us.

Meanwhile George does indeed plan to ask for another iPod this christmas.

“They’re so cool. They’re just like old iPods but they can display photos! And they’re only $600!”

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The  picture in this story is my actual iPod that I had just broken on the kitchen floor. I miss that guy.

There’s also a sidejab at the just announced Nintendo DS in this story, helps set the time period.

The following was originally posted October 18, 2005: