Out of ideas, BP has decided to call in Chuck Norris to stop the devastating oil spill that is currently tormenting the Gulf.
Chuck Norris with his long time boyfriend.
“We have heard the stories about Mr. Norris’ accomplishments,” BP Tony Hayword announced at a press conference he was holding from his gold plated yacht he was using to host his weekly caviar appreciation party later that day, ” we feel he is our best option at the moment.”
Critics were quick to point out he said simular statements about the Top Hat method, the Top Kill method and the controversial “Walk slowly away from it while whistling so hopefully no one notices we made a mess until we’re gone” method.
But Mr. Haywood promised this time it’ll be different.
“This time it’ll be different,” Hayword said as put on his 2 piece striped bathing suit so he could take a swim in his money vault, Scrooge McDuck style, “I’m sure Chuck Norris will be able to stop the 10 gallons of oil that are leaking each day from the spill.”
Scientists took offense to Mr. Haywood’s assertion that only 10 gallons a day are spilling each day into the Gulf, but for some reason not the fact that somehow a former TV actor had the ability to stop the spill.
“We believe BP is purposely misleading the public about the amount of oil leaking,” a scientist with crazy white hair, a lab coat and a clear tie told us, “we are estimating that the oil rig is currently leaking up wards of 500,000,000 barrels of crude oil a minute.”
Using advanced computer animation he had made using Disney Animation Studio for the Amigo 1000, the scientist showed us how if the oil spill continued, all birds in the south would be covered in oil by October and have to be given baths. By December all drinking water would taste like Justin Beiber’s pimply back. And finally, by February 2011 all humans would cease to exist after committing mass suicide because they would no longer be able to stand to hear pundits on cable TV news argue about whether the oil spill was Obama’s or Bush’s fault.
Meanwhile Mr. Norris has not been cooperating with BP.
“You guys realize all those things people said about me are just jokes started by no life teenage boys,” Mr. Norris said while trying to climb further up Mike Huckabee’s ass.
Despite his protest, earlier today BP managed to subdue Norris the only way they new how, by covering him in oil. They then loaded him onto a helicopter and dropped him directly into the Gulf at the central point of the leak.
Chuck Norris promptly drowned.
“Early results look promising,” BP announced.
